She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
