ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Randomize
