You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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