If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
