Only a mothe r could love this liver
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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