Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
