Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
