god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
