we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
