Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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