I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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