i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
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Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
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THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
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