last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
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We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
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Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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