how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
