How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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