Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
