I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
