I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Randomize