the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
