Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
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Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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