i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
