i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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