The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
