My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
