So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
