I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.  Â
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
