Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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