Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
