if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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