Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
