Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
