Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
