i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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