I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
