I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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