The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
