Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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