those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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