Don't you send me to vm
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
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