im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
