You're my little dorito
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
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