There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
honey bunches of taint.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
