today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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