I can't breathe out the right side of my face
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
