I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
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