you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
