ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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