I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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