so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
