My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
