I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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