My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
