I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
