I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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