Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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