My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
