Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
and you fell through a lawn chair
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Randomize
