haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I believe in your delicious
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
