Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
