Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
