quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
