It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
