The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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