You smell like a Billy Joel song
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
What a dumb baby whore.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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